Leerdammer: Introduction

Also known as Maasdam, a name that I believe was given to the cheese after one too many people thought it was some kind of death metal band.

Leerdammer cheese is the Dutch’s answer to Emmental, which is what most people mean when they say “Swiss Cheese.” In fact, I wouldn’t even call it an “answer” so much as a blatant rip-off. It’s the same colour, it’s got the same distinctive holes through it, (a cunning Swiss ploy to cheat people out of cheese) it smells the same, it tastes the same (almost) and it has the same texture.

It rather makes one wonder exactly how far you have to go in the cheese industry before you get accused of plagiarism. I mean, if I took the process for making Gouda (another Dutch cheese) and modified one of the steps very slightly, could I then market this as an entirely new brand of cheese that I’d come up with myself? Yeah, how would *you* like it, Netherlanders? Bunch of copycats.

At first I wasn’t even going to do this cheese. I almost felt as though I shouldn’t eat it, like I’d be supporting their underhanded machinations somehow. However, upon a consultation with the Cheese Sprites, I was assured that cheese is cheese, and should be accepted as it is without regard to whatever shady origins it might possess.

In any event, if you’ve ever had Swiss cheese then you basically know what Leerdammer is like. It has a fairly mild flavour, sweet and nutty, with a creamy consistency. It’s good in sandwiches because the flavour doesn’t overpower everything else you’ve chosen to put in there, and also because it just looks nice. I can only guess at what deep-rooted aspect of the human psyche causes food with holes in it to be aesthetically pleasing, but there you go.

It also occurs to me that I should really have done Emmental first. I mean, now that I’ve written about this shameless imitation of Emmental, I’ll be pretty strapped for things to say when I actually come to write about Emmental. Of course, the same thing would have happened had I done it the other way around, but at least then the real deal would have been the one getting the first-class treatment.

Sorry, Switzerland.

Anyway, here’s the photographic proof:



You can probably tell that the cheese I’m using has been pre-sliced, but don’t worry; it is actual Maasdam cheese, rather than some artificial imitation slop. Wouldn’t that make it a copy of a copy? I don’t think I could push myself to that. Trust me, it’s real. My sanity demands it.

Once again, I will later prepare my Jacob’s crackers for sanctification and consume the cheese. Dream update tomorrow, all being well.

Preface to a Dream, Part III

But that’s quite enough of my personal story. Let me get down to business and tell you what this is all about.

This is essentially a dream diary with the added factor of cheese. Updates will come in two parts. The first will consist of the type of cheese I intend to consume and a description of its flavour, its uses, how much I like it, and (if I can be bothered to bore you) its history, place of origin and so on. In order to prove (or at least to go towards convincing you) that I’m not just picking out the names of random cheeses, pretending I’ve eaten them and then making some dream up to write about, I will also post a photograph of myself, wearing the Vestments of the Eldritch Curd and holding whatever cheese it is I intend to eat, like so:



The second part will consist of a recounting of the dream I had the night after eating the cheese, if any, along with my thoughts on it and any correlations I may be able to draw between the type of cheese and the type of dream.

The updates will not be daily, as by and large it is difficult for me to buy cheese in small portions. If I go out and buy a big wedge every day then I’m not going to be able to eat it all and it’ll just go to waste, which will greatly displease the Cheese Sprites, and may incite them to strip me of my enchanted clothing. And then I’ll be naked. We cannot have that.

Therefore, new content will come as and when I can acquire the cheese I need, although I will aim for a once-a-week schedule. This will also give previous cheeses plenty of time to work their way out of my system, thereby preventing any lingering effects from interfering with the results.

I fully intend to get this kicked off as soon as possible, so watch this space. I hope to see you return soon. Until then, ladies and gentlemen, may your cheese be plentiful.


(Note: This is not intended to be a rip-off of the study I referenced earlier. I actually had this idea before said study was ever published, not that I have any means of proving it. Nevertheless, this will be a more in-depth and much less serious look into the effects of cheese on dreams, so no, I'm not just playing copycat. Really.)

Preface to a Dream, Part II

Allow me to cease my rambling for a moment and introduce myself. I go by the name of “Rennet Sheikh,” and if you hadn’t already made the connection, I love cheese, both for its taste and for the merry havoc it has wrought upon my once drab, dreamless nights. Hello, Interwebs.

Recently, I was given a gift. My fondness for delicious, curdled dairy products did not go unnoticed by certain otherworldly entities; the Cheese Sprites. These fairy-like creatures were responsible for cheese’s introduction to mankind. It was not, as some would have you believe, discovered either by accident, experimentation, or any combination of the two. The Cheese Sprites brought it into our world by means of an ancient magical ritual, and have seen to it that it continues to thrive and be enjoyed by humans everywhere.

As luck would have it, the Cheese Sprites took a shine to me and saw fit to bestow upon me a magical set of clothing, known as “The Vestments of the Eldritch Curd.” While wearing this outfit, my sense of taste becomes acutely attuned to the flavour of cheese, allowing me to appreciate it even more than I already did. It also grants me extra-sensory perception, through which I can sense the exact location and type of any and all cheese within a 100-mile radius, and the ability to transform myself wholly into whey, whereupon I become nigh-indestructible.

This was a major turning point in my life, and it inspired me to create what you see before you.

Preface to a Dream

Sleep. Although many dedicated programmers disagree, it is a process vital to our survival. This is unfortunate, because we’d be a great deal more productive if it wasn’t. Just imagine how much more progress could have been made by now in science, the arts and the general betterment of man if it wasn’t necessary for us to lie in a state of inactivity for approximately eight hours a day in order to remain healthy and sane.

Frankly, the whole routine would be extremely dull and tiresome (pardon the pun) if it wasn’t for a certain saving grace; dreams.

Dreams exist to make sleep more interesting, thus making us, being the easily bored species that we are, more inclined to do it. There are some crackpot scientific theories floating around that they are merely the result of your brain processing the events of days gone by, or an interpretive response to external stimuli, but these are quite obviously untrue. We (humans) invented dreams in order to make sleep tolerable, and before you ask why animals supposedly have them too, it’s because we were kind enough to share. So there.

Many things can affect the nature of one’s dreams. If one has been performing the same action repeatedly over the course of the day, it is likely that they’ll find themselves continuing to perform it inside their own head after they’ve gone to sleep. Someone who has experienced a traumatic event may have recurring nightmares about it. Here, however, there is one particular aspect that I intend to focus on:

Cheese.

It is a commonly held myth that the consumption of cheese before bedtime causes nightmares. Although studies have proven this false, they nevertheless indicated that it did seem to result in an increased frequency of dreaming. Even more interestingly, the dreams appeared to show certain themes based on the type of cheese consumed.

Naturally, the study is by no means conclusive, and some or all of it may simply be coincidence. Without further research, we may never be entirely sure. However, based on my own experiences, I believe that the theory of cheese causing one to dream, if not necessarily have nightmares, is entirely true.